Reflection

I haven't posted for a while. That hasn't been a lapse in my memory that I have started to write a blog, but it's due to the fact that I haven't figured out a way to formulate some of my recent thoughts into words. 

A lot of soul searching has occurred for me over the past couple months. I finally forced myself to really look at myself and how I was progressing in my life to learn the truth. 

I wouldn't say I am particularly skilled in any one major talent. When I say that, I don't mean I am not skilled or I don't have any talents. But what I mean is, I am not the person who plays the guitar. I am not the artist, the dancer, the chef or the athlete. 

I never had dancing lessons as a child. I never participated in weekend sport. I don't know how to draw. I don't have a musical bone in my body except for being a closet singer because I am too embarrassed to throw my voice in front of others. To be honest, I don't even know if I am a good singer or a bad one. 

So I don't even know what my hobby is. I never grew up wanting to be a rockstar or a ballerina or a pro soccer player like so many kids do, because that's their after school activity. I didn't really have after school activities. 

My childhood days consisted of simpler pastimes I suppose. Like going outside and playing with our bikes and scooters. Going to the park to play park soccer.  Playing Nintendo and watching movies. That was my childhood. And it was great. 

But what that's left me now at age 23 is the feeling that something is missing.  The only thing I can think of when someone asks me what my hobby is, is reading and watching TV. I don't see them as hobbies or talents. They are simply what one does. 

My husband sings, plays guitar, he took karate lessons as a kid. He still plays weekend soccer and he loves it. I on the other hand, have nothing. I come home from work and I watch TV or chat. 

I have always been the studious kid. School was important and serious to me. I have always been the kid on the straight and narrow. I enjoyed myself and had friends and did things on the weekend. But for me, school was the end game. Do well in school and you get into university. Do well in university and you get that great job. Then you're set. 

That's where I'm at. I am supposedly 'set'. I've done what I had to do. I paid my dues in school and university. I clocked the hours and the marks. And now I am being rewarded with a decent job. 

But why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel like, although I enjoy the area that I am in, I only enjoy it because I know how to do it (or at least, learning how to do seeing as the legal profession isn't a profession where you ever become a true know it all). 

I don't dislike my profession. That's not it. But the passion isn't there. There is something missing from the relief and reward of it. And I think I only recently realised why. 

I think I am meant to do something else eventually. I think what my heart truly desires has not been discovered yet. And that is causing me a lot of anxiety and stress because I just want to know what I truly want to do. Because I never want to feel like I have to work in my life. I don't want to be one of those people who lives for the weekend. I want to enjoy my work because it is my passion. Unfortunately after all of the hard work I have put in to this point, I am still left unsatisifed. 

That's what it is. I am unsatisifed. Unsatisifed by the daily ritual of my life, because the passion and motivation is not there. 

What am I passionate for though? What do I want to do with my life? It doesn't have to be forever. It doesn't have to be a declaration of my life's work. All I want to know is, what do I want to do more than anything else in the world?

I still have no idea. 

Do you know how frustrating that is? To know that what you are doing now is not IT, but to not know what IT is??  Despite staying awake at night and thinking about it for hours on end. I still don't know what I would love to do. 

I think the first thing I will do however, is start being more involved with this blog. It is an outlet for me. It lets my thoughts sort themselves out as I see the words on the screen. It calms me. 

I don't need this blog to have a million hits. All I need is this blog to help me find that special something. That something that Jessica will fall head over heels in love with.  And never feel like she is working another day in her life because that passion is so great, she would do that work for free. 

I think a bit more soul searching is in order.

Does anyone else feel like this? 

Monday's

For me, Monday's suck. 

They never used to. Not for a very long time. 

My husband and I met in highschool and got together in highschool just over a year after being best friends. I was excited to go to school each day to see him and talk to him. I even felt a bit sad when it was the weekend because I didn't see him that much on weekends (being a 15 year old unable to get a drivers license sure had its restrictions!). 

Fast forward to university and the same applied. But it was better. University wasn't 5 days a week, all day. It was so casual and relaxed. With summer break and a month long winter break, it felt like the entire year was peppered with days off and holidays. We saw each other every single day. 

Fast forward again to working life. Gosh that felt like being hit with a truck. Lazy student weeks became working weeks. And it hit hard at first. It was all so new, scary, exciting, grown up - did I mention it was really really scary? I actually looked forward to work each day back then. Ready to prove myself, ready to work. 

Then a little bit of reality hit. Office politics and deadlines and stress and responsibility. Coupled with some boring typical days tapping away at a computer, it started to get dry. Fast. 

I still enjoy my field. I guess sometimes I wish the working week was 4 days instead of 5. And that Monday's start from 10am. And finished at 3pm. That would be glorious. 

But the grass is always greener on the other side. It makes me wonder in times where I look on Instagram and see people working as fashion and travel bloggers, seeing them in Paris and Mexico while I'm sitting day after day in a grey walled office, how can I improve my situation? How can I do that? 

On the other hand, this is a major personal dilemma too because I'm completely aware of the blessings I've received when there are people far less fortunate. 

It is a tough line when you really think about it. I suppose for me, it comes down to - you live one life. Make sure it is filled with passion, love, happiness and joy. Don't live a life with regrets. 

Gardening Extravaganza

Been a bit AWOL over the last month. 

The entire month of February was crazy at work and when it died down, I feel like I did the same in my personal life. I have been feeling quite tired as of late. I don't think it has anything to do with diet or fitness - because I have been consistently eating well and exercising surprisingly enough. 

I think the key issue is stress. It's something I've been working on recently. My husband and I have dove into doing things we absolutely love - which is interior design. We have slowly but surely been finishing off our house. The last few weeks have been taken up with some major landscaping. 

Probably not the best alternative to relaxing on the couch. I am currently very sore from a major landscaping day on Saturday which completely wiped me out yesterday. But my soul feels better for doing some labour intensive work as opposed to typing away on a computer all day. 

When we got our house, we decided to let it all sit and figure out how we would truly use our land. Did we want a lot of grass, a firepit, a huge deck, an outdoor kitchen? 

Basically we want all of the above. So now we are making it happen. 

We have planted a LOT of flowering plants. I want a secret gardenesque backyard. Something I can go outside with a cup of tea and a book and lose myself in the peace and beauty of it all. 

So far we have laid top soil, flattened out some awful bits, done the garden bed and laid the base of our plants. There is an area for our future vegie patch and we are now budgeting for the deck. All in good time.  

After the garden, we intend to tackle out pantry and laundry with all sorts of organisational inspiration and goodness. There is just something about everything having a place in the house that makes me so happy. It makes me feel like my life is in order, and that all space is used economically, rather than being entirely wasteful. 

I will upload some pictures soon. I am hoping to have a cosy house with a green garden by the middle of winter. 

Valentine's Day

I am not one of those people who hates Valentine's Day. But in saying that, I don't go crazy for it either. 

For me, it is an excuse to celebrate. And why deny yourself the pleasure?

It was the intention at the end of last year, before the wedding and after numerous nights and weeks of hard work that 2015 would be the year of relaxation. We worked so hard in 2012, 2013 and 2014 that 2015 just had to have some pause in it. The way we intended to do this was by going away for one weekend each month or so. It didn't need to be far, or expensive. But just go away and re-energise and enjoy. 

I intended to go away in February. Not necessarily on Valentine's Day, but just one of the weekends. 

Yet here we are and nothing was booked. Because we kept putting it off and part of me also feels like, we have this gorgeous house and I am perfectly happy just lazing around in it. 

So it hasn't been a failure of a plan as of yet, but I feel like I don't particularly need re-energising at the moment. It is still summer and the new year and Australia Day long weekend still feels fresh to me. 

However I would really like to get away in March. 

So that's why I don't mind Valentine's Day. It's a cute little reminder to do something sweet. It's a reminder to love, to enjoy, to eat chocolate, light a scented candle and fill a vase with flowers. These are things I wish I do each week. Although the candle thing is a staple In our house (we adore Glasshouse), as my garden is not yet at fruition, my desire to go outside and make myself a bouquet to display is not possible at the moment. 

Hopefully soon. 

Last year's Valentine's Day, we worked as it was a Friday. Then we visited our house that was being built. I remember it was just at frame stage then. We both agreed we wouldn't get each other anything as we were saving ever dollar we had for the house and the wedding. But my then fiancé sweetly surprised me with flowers and a gift. And I surprised him with a set of 3 kinder surprise chocolates that I hurriedly bought during work. And then ate one. So I actually gave him 2. 

We then proceeded to have pizza for dinner. 

This year we have decided to celebrate it a little more traditionally. Although I don't know what we are doing during the day, I am looking forward to an Italian three course dinner. Yum. 

I hope you enjoy your Valentine's Day. 

Weekend Diary

Posting this quite late but better late than never! 

Friday 

- worked late 

- rushed to meet friends and almost missed the start of The Imitation Game due to my lateness 

- thoroughly enjoyed the movie. 

- feeling super relaxed driving home 

- entertaining our friends with YouTube videos, wine, beer and port 

- feeling sleepy 

Saturday 

- slept in 

- reluctantly woke up 

- headed over to the mother in laws house so that the hubs could work on his project car 

- feeling sleepy - the past week has been intense at work 

- taking a nap

- heading home and relaxed for a few hours 

- went to my mums house for dinner 

- feeling thoroughly relaxed 

Sunday

- waking up to heat. It reached 35 degrees today. 

- having a smoothie for breakfast 

- doing some laundry and cleaning up 

- checking out the brand new train station that was opened today in our estate 

- doing some furniture shopping

- eating Portuguese chicken for lunch 

- doing the weekly vegie shop 

- visiting the mother in law for a cup of tea 

- heading home to watch a movie 

- eating chicken cacciatore for dinner 

- relaxing before a big week ahead 

Eating Healthily

I Since the New Year, I've been making an effort to make some slow yet drastic changes to my diet. 

I don't think I used to eat badly. I have always disliked snacking on things like chips and biscuits, and if I have too much junk food I tend to do everything I can to avoid it rather than become addicted. The downfall with that though, is that I then suggest eating out in a restaurant, where you can have garlic bread, your main and a cheeky dessert. Although the food tastes a million times better, I was still eating way too much on a regular basis. 

It started to show. Not immediately, but gradually as I left my teenage years and entered working life. Working meant money, and money meant take out and going out for dinner to avoid cooking after work. 

I actually joined a gym last January again after cancelling my prior membership at another gym as it wasn't a 24 hr gym to meet my crazy schedule. I approached gym differently last year, and did zero cardio, opting for strength training instead. I loved it. It changed my body for the better and I know that I am much stronger now. 

Come this January in 2015, although I was stronger and my legs and arms looked fantastic, the devil for me was a bit of excess weight and bloating, which made me feel bigger than I am. 

I did some research and came to the conclusion that gym isn't the only solution. The fuel must be decent. 

I had this mindset for most of December, and I found that for Christmas dinner I didn't overeat and only had one type of dessert rather than gorge on the buffet. 

I felt better. 

Right after Christmas, I went with a group of friends to a beachside holiday for a week. A massive stack of alcohol was bought, and easy food like instant noodles and frozen foods were on the menus for the entire week so that we don't have to cook too much. 

By day 5, my body was crying out. Heat, excess alcohol, no nutritional food. It made me tired and sick. I was craving vegetables. 

I am glad I went through that experience. We are now in February and I've been doing quite well. I've cut down sugar to a bare minimum. I haven't touched McDonald's or KFC. We are cooking  more and I have been exercising more than ever - and I don't think it's going to slow down. 

I feel better. It's incredible how great I feel now. This feeling just reinforces the fact that I'm on the right track and keeps me going. This is not a diet or a weight loss challenge, but a lifestyle change. 

I intend to post some of my tips of how to eat and live healthily. I think the trick is to do it gradually. Cutting everything out and going cold turkey may be a little unrealistic for something so life consuming as one's diet. In my opinion, you need to feel it first. Feel what it is like for your body to be getting the nutrients its craving, then one day when you eat a large cupcake after a few weeks of clean eating, you will notice the high sugar's effect on you. 

Please let me know if you have made a lifestyle change this year and your tips to stick to it. 

Weekend Diary

This is something I've adored from a blog named Love Audrey. It is essentially a quick recording of what happened over the weekend.

The reason I love it so much is because each dot point will bring back a memory. Even the little things like having a cup of tea or a small walk. In the midst of the working week, it often feels like the weekend was far away. In the same vain, if the weekend was filled to the brim with errands or tasks, it can feel like no weekend was had at all. I have done this a few times on paper and it has always helped me out things in perspective, and let me enjoy the now rather than regret the could-have-should-have-but-decided-to-not-gym-and-eat-that-extra-slice-of-cake. 

So this was my weekend. 

- woke feeling like I dreamt a lot but could not recall anything

- slowly getting ready for the day and putting on a new playsuit in my favourite colour (blue) 

- meeting up with the husband's beloved mother, aunt and uncle and complimenting said uncle's brand new shiny car. 

- taking back the Dyson for a service as it wasn't working up to scratch. 10 minutes later it is good to go. 

- having a poached eggs with spinach, avocado and pesto on sourdough for brunch. 

- purchasing some stools we had been eying for the island bench

- stocking up on plain and white tees as I always seem to lose them. 

- meeting up with friends to look at the shops 

- making last minute plans to go into the city to watch the Asia Cup final. 

- heading home and admiring the stools in the kitchen. 

- lazily watching an episode of The Originals. We are obsessed. 

- getting ready for the night 

- catching the train into the city and feeling ready for dinner. 

- having Thai with extra veggies 

- taking a long leisurely walk to the Star to watch the match 

- thinking the Star too full when we couldn't find chairs to enjoy the game. 

- after my feet hurting from a cut i sustained earlier in the week, and a growing headache, we decided to quickly head home to watch the second half. 

- walking past a bar on the water that was half empty with available seats in front of a very large screen showing the match. 

- not believing our luck and promptly sitting down with beer and cider in hand. 

- watching the crowd fill the bar only 10 minutes later. 

- cheering, screaming and yelling at the match for the next two hours of what was an exciting and nerve wracking game. Australia won! 

- admiring the Sydney 9pm fireworks right behind us, which conveniently went off at half time. 

- walking back to the station and chatting on the way home. 

- waking from yet another night full of dreams. 

- resisting the need to get up for as long as possible

- hurriedly getting dressed and heading to an electronics store to choose a brand new dishwasher 

- being very excited with our purchase. We both dislike doing the dishes. 

- feeling hungry but having a long to do list. 

- letting my husband go pick up the dishwasher with a larger car as I stayed home 

- overcoming obstacles with the installation but being successful. DIY is no longer daunting to us. 

- finally having lunch and relaxing 

- the husband headed off for a soccer game as I headed off to costco for a huge grocery run 

- feeling quite healthy as I put through my items, which were predominantly green. 

- catching the last of the husband's game

- heading to dinner at our favourite Chinese restaurant with my parents and brothers. 

- quickly popping in for a cup of tea at my mother in law's. 

- cleaning up the kitchen and admiring the dishwasher. It works great. 

- making green juices for the week ahead 

- watching another episode of The Originals

- heading to bed for the week ahead.