Reflection

I haven't posted for a while. That hasn't been a lapse in my memory that I have started to write a blog, but it's due to the fact that I haven't figured out a way to formulate some of my recent thoughts into words. 

A lot of soul searching has occurred for me over the past couple months. I finally forced myself to really look at myself and how I was progressing in my life to learn the truth. 

I wouldn't say I am particularly skilled in any one major talent. When I say that, I don't mean I am not skilled or I don't have any talents. But what I mean is, I am not the person who plays the guitar. I am not the artist, the dancer, the chef or the athlete. 

I never had dancing lessons as a child. I never participated in weekend sport. I don't know how to draw. I don't have a musical bone in my body except for being a closet singer because I am too embarrassed to throw my voice in front of others. To be honest, I don't even know if I am a good singer or a bad one. 

So I don't even know what my hobby is. I never grew up wanting to be a rockstar or a ballerina or a pro soccer player like so many kids do, because that's their after school activity. I didn't really have after school activities. 

My childhood days consisted of simpler pastimes I suppose. Like going outside and playing with our bikes and scooters. Going to the park to play park soccer.  Playing Nintendo and watching movies. That was my childhood. And it was great. 

But what that's left me now at age 23 is the feeling that something is missing.  The only thing I can think of when someone asks me what my hobby is, is reading and watching TV. I don't see them as hobbies or talents. They are simply what one does. 

My husband sings, plays guitar, he took karate lessons as a kid. He still plays weekend soccer and he loves it. I on the other hand, have nothing. I come home from work and I watch TV or chat. 

I have always been the studious kid. School was important and serious to me. I have always been the kid on the straight and narrow. I enjoyed myself and had friends and did things on the weekend. But for me, school was the end game. Do well in school and you get into university. Do well in university and you get that great job. Then you're set. 

That's where I'm at. I am supposedly 'set'. I've done what I had to do. I paid my dues in school and university. I clocked the hours and the marks. And now I am being rewarded with a decent job. 

But why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel like, although I enjoy the area that I am in, I only enjoy it because I know how to do it (or at least, learning how to do seeing as the legal profession isn't a profession where you ever become a true know it all). 

I don't dislike my profession. That's not it. But the passion isn't there. There is something missing from the relief and reward of it. And I think I only recently realised why. 

I think I am meant to do something else eventually. I think what my heart truly desires has not been discovered yet. And that is causing me a lot of anxiety and stress because I just want to know what I truly want to do. Because I never want to feel like I have to work in my life. I don't want to be one of those people who lives for the weekend. I want to enjoy my work because it is my passion. Unfortunately after all of the hard work I have put in to this point, I am still left unsatisifed. 

That's what it is. I am unsatisifed. Unsatisifed by the daily ritual of my life, because the passion and motivation is not there. 

What am I passionate for though? What do I want to do with my life? It doesn't have to be forever. It doesn't have to be a declaration of my life's work. All I want to know is, what do I want to do more than anything else in the world?

I still have no idea. 

Do you know how frustrating that is? To know that what you are doing now is not IT, but to not know what IT is??  Despite staying awake at night and thinking about it for hours on end. I still don't know what I would love to do. 

I think the first thing I will do however, is start being more involved with this blog. It is an outlet for me. It lets my thoughts sort themselves out as I see the words on the screen. It calms me. 

I don't need this blog to have a million hits. All I need is this blog to help me find that special something. That something that Jessica will fall head over heels in love with.  And never feel like she is working another day in her life because that passion is so great, she would do that work for free. 

I think a bit more soul searching is in order.

Does anyone else feel like this?